WHY ARE WE SO AFRAID?

"Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure."- Bob Marley.

Growing up, I always raised my hand in class. And unlike the other kids - who were less eager - when we had to read aloud or act in a skit, I was more than willing to join in.

You're probably picturing me as that annoying teacher's pet that you hated in grade school, but I promise... that wasn't me. (I'm not going to lie, I definitely thrived off of getting a gold star at the end of the day). I never had the uptight parents who demanded that I get A+ on every assignment or the need to always be right about everything. No; I just genuinely loved to participate and share my ideas with my classmates, even if I gave the wrong answer.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately... and even though I'm still ambitious, it's not the same. When I was younger, I had this boldness about me; I never hesitated to engage or say what I felt. I didn't care what other people thought if it meant doing what I loved and being true to myself.

Granted, kids do tend to have less of a filter when they speak in comparison to adults. With age comes maturity and with maturity, more mindfulness about what we say and how we say it. Having more of a filter now doesn't bother me; I take pride in my consideration for others. The difference is that I was fearless. I had a fire within me- an unwavering sense of self. That's no longer there. No matter how I try to justify it, that fire is just a spark now. That's what bothers me.

So does that make me weak? Has my essence changed? I've always considered myself to be strong and self-aware; I've always been passionate and opinionated. Those qualities haven't changed from when I was a kid. My character hasn't changed. I became afraid.

When we were kids, adults would tell us to "treat others the way you want to be treated" and despite their efforts to drill that into our minds, we never really listened. As we grow up, we stop collecting gold stars and instead, collect inhibitions, self-doubts, criticisms. We only raise our hands when we are certain of the answer; we don't volunteer unless it's for a grade. We learn to build walls, to keep our opinions to ourselves, to pretend. We become afraid.

What are we afraid of though? - Rejection? Humiliation? Vulnerability? We never meant to be this way. We tried to be honest, to portray ourselves truly to the world. But being too much of an open book can be a bad thing; people can be cruel. We get shut down, criticized, trampled.

So we don't engage. We put on a mask and tell the world we are what they want us to be. We strive for the perfect Instagram feed with the right VSCO filter to make it just right. We don't think we'll be enough. Our "friend list" is an extensive acquaintance-list, with the exception of close family and our best friends. But even then... we don't say everything. We don't want to be too much.

That brings me to my next question... does not wanting to reveal your true self make you weak if that's what you've been socialized to do? Or does it just make you smart?

This is an issue I've dealt with for the majority of my life, and it's been a friggin' rollercoaster I can't get off of. Believe me, I've tried. I hate not being able to be the total open book that I want to be, to have to be socially strategic. So, I ignore the years of experience that've taught me to do otherwise and decide to just be real.

I tell myself that I've found the right people, that it's the right time, thats it's okay to say that to this person. And at first, it is. I feel comfortable and wonder why I'm not as transparent all the time, with everyone in my life. But just when the spark is about to become the fire- when I'm starting to feel just as fearless... something goes wrong.

Is this just human nature? Constant competition and 'survival of the fittest'? Surely, it's something we've all been through (even though no one talks about it), just when we think we're okay to let our guard down, we're pushed to build our walls up even more. It's logical...why would we risk getting hurt again? But why should not wanting to get hurt come at the cost of never being completely honest with others and conclusively, with ourselves?

Being vulnerable is scary. Showing ourselves- our true, unfiltered, embarrassing, self-doubting, selves to the world is scary. That's why we're afraid, why we choose to dedicate more time into thinking of the right caption than to being honest. We structure our conversations as we do our captions:

"Does this sound dumb?"... I don't want to give the wrong impression. "Does this make me look like I don't care?"..."am I trying too hard?"... "is this one okay?"

So what does this all mean? Should we give up? We could tell ourselves that it's just the way things are....humans suck. Or do we try to beat the odds and hope for the best? Tell ourselves that maybe this time, just maybe, it'll be different. We have two choices: we either play the game and never let anyone too close, or we expose ourselves.

Let's say we play the game. We follow the rules and keep our walls up; we don't get burned. Staying safe and fitting in sounds comforting, but...what are we losing? If we never let anyone in, what's the point?

I envy that fearless, bad*ss version of myself. She didn't have to worry about being too much or not enough. She wasn't playing this should I, should I not tug of war. And so, despite my best judgment, I try to reignite the fire and hope for the best. I expose myself to the world.

How I see it... I'd rather keep the mask off. I choose falling and hurting and burning if it means truly feeling. There's nothing more satisfying than being able to really exist. Being vulnerable when the odds are against us...is thrilling.

After all, maybe getting burned is what makes us human.

*DO NOT OWN GIFS;HEADER:Charcoal on sketch paper; edited contrast