THE SPARK

For some reason, I get my most creative tendencies at the most inconvenient time: late at night. It's nights like this one when my mind and heart are filled with excitement and a burning desire to create. I feel all this power within me, like I'm fueled with something but I can't figure out what it is.

Lately, I've been getting hit by a multitude of epiphanies, revelations that have made me rethink many aspects of my life and self. So here I am- - another restless night, desperate to get out all my creative energy and process this crazy thing called life in the way I know best: writing about it and posting it on the internet...

In a previous blog post ["Why are we so afraid?"], I mentioned the fire of my younger self: unwavering self-confidence and fearlessness. As I've grown up, that fire has been diminished to a spark. It's a change that's frustrated me; made me question my current purpose, worth, and objectives. It's made me doubt who I am and where I'm going.

This whole time, I've been grieving who I used to be.

But nostalgia and frustration haven't gotten me anywhere; obsessing about how I used to be has only inhibited me from becoming who I want to be. I've mourned the loss of my fire for so long, I've failed to see the spark that remains.

I'm now finally understanding that there's still hope; I can still get that fire back, be just as fearless as I once was. So I'm choosing to focus on the potential of that spark as an almost, a what if - a possibility for more, not a failure. I'm tending to the spark to reignite.

It's easy to get caught up in the past. We constantly think about the "good old days," comparing our current selves and situations to what used to be. And when we're not dwelling on the past, we obsess about our futures. Either way, we neglect the present.

We only use the present as a point of reference. All we want to do is go back or move forward, we never actually take the time to stand still and simply, be.

Our whole lives, we're told to "live in the moment" but have we actually paused and thought about what this really means? Have we ever truly lived in the moment, or have we just been existing in the moment?

Self-reflection and forward-thinking are important tools to figure out what we have and want to achieve. But when we dwell on the past and/or obsess about the future we neglect the current moment. We look back to see where we started and look ahead to how far we still need to go. This only leads us to longing and frustration; we don't give ourselves time to admire the view from where we are now. We put ourselves in a rut.

So how do we break the cycle? How do we start truly living our lives?

When someone tells us their life isn't what they want it to be, it's easy to throw out that "live in the moment" phrase and be done with it. But frankly, we all know that's bullsh*it. A pretty phrase isn't going to cut it. We need to actually take control and do something about it. We need to make direct changes in our lives; we can't rely on empty clichés.

When I started this blog, I was in a rut. I was feeling empty, uninspired, detached- I was just existing. I hadn't been doing anything creative or making an effort to reignite the fire of my past self. I was still mourning who I used to be and obsessing about where I needed to be. I wasn't seeing the spark; I wasn't working on myself and who I was at that moment in time. I had become tired of moving, tired of making my mind go from one place to the next.

So, I decided to press pause, to work on myself...on who I am, on where I am right now, right here. I'm returning to the passions I had abandoned. I'm returning to the present.

Truthfully, I don't know if having a blog is the answer; I don't know if it's going to cut it. To others, it may just be another cliché. But maybe it'll make a difference. Maybe my words will resonate with some people. Maybe it'll help me change what I don't like about who I am now. Maybe it'll inspire others to do the same. Maybe, just maybe- it'll help me get the fire back.

We won't go back in time, we won't know what lies ahead- we can't. But we can know what happens now. We get to decide- right now, right here.

Life may not be what we want it to be. But we have the power to change that; we need to. No one else is going to be able to; it's up to us.

Let's take time for ourselves. Let's do what we love even though we've forgotten to. Let's illuminate the light within ourselves, feed to the flame inside us. Let's aspire to inspire even if it seems pointless- it could help us; it could help others.

Let's go back to the present.

**HEADER PHOTO: mine; taken at the MET in New York, 2016.

**DO NOT OWN GIFS