"YOU'VE CHANGED"

They say nothing good happens after 2 A.M. Well, that's not always the case...

A couple of months ago, on a restless night, I started a blog on a whim. Much to my surprise, it's turned out to be the best decision. I'm sharing the good and the bad. I'm conquering my fears.

But I haven't been completely honest. I need to address something. Let's chat...

I attended a high school that was essentially a pre-ivy league public school: an environment that glorified sleep deprivation, anxiety, and stress. Though I definitely didn't have a negative high school experience, it was...uneventful. The truth is, I wasn't myself those four years. I had friends, I was involved, I did well in my classes, but.... I never really felt there- like I was a part of it. In other words, high school just kind of happened to me. All teen angst aside, I'm glad it's over.

When people graduate and go off to college, they're surprised to find out how few friends they're left with; how shallow those high school relationships actually were. But, as cynical as this may be, I wasn't surprised. I never bought in to the whole popularity game; I didn't play it not because I couldn't, but because I didn't want to. Whether this was good or bad, it's in the past.

Now let's fast forward to about a year later. I'm a freshman in college at the end of my second quarter. I'm out with my friends and I run into a group of guys from my high school graduating class [the cool kids]. Let me just say that in high school, the extent of our relationship was an occasional "excuse me" interaction as I walked past them by the lockers. Yet on this night, I decided to approach them.

We were making small talk when one said "wow you've really changed." I stared. "You're a whole new person now" he said. He and his friends snickered in agreement. Impulsively I responded, "how would you know? I've always been like this; we were just never friends; we didn't even talk in high school." The rest of the conversation was pretty nondescript; we continued to make small talk, I said goodbye, and we parted ways.

For the rest of the night, I was stuck on those words... "you've changed." I was annoyed, confused... he didn't even know me. He made it seem like I was this shy little girl in high school and now all of sudden, social and "cool". I began to ask myself: have I turned my back on my true self? Have I really changed? Who am I?

As the school year went by, I couldn't shake that brief conversation. And as I recall it now, I have some new words for him...

To the guy from high school: you were wrong. I didn't become a whole new person. You didn't know me nor did you ever take the time to try to. You had no right to say something like that. But I have to admit, you were right about something... I'm not the same.

I'm no longer afraid.

I'm not afraid to share my essence with the world. In my eyes, I've always been the same person, my friends in high school have always known the real me. But now I realize, no one else did. I always thought it was because I just didn't fit in; those weren't my people. But, the problem wasn't just that. I was cynical, reserved, hesitant. I locked up the real me and replaced it with a disconnected version of myself.

So it's not that I've suddenly morphed into a completely different person... I became who I really am.

To the guy from high school: thank you. I'm glad you said that. Granted, it wasn't your place; you didn't even know me. But, thanks to you, I've truly realized just how much my outlook has changed.

I've taken down the walls I had put up long ago- the ones I'd built higher and higher for so long. I've freed my true self. I'm not as concerned with my image, what others will say and think of me, whether or not I belong.

At the end of the day, people talk. They'll say what they want to say. Most of the time, (like in this guy's case) it's because they don't know. Others will say things out of envy, spite, etc. Whatever the reason, we're bound to be judged.

Since I've started college, old classmates from high school have criticized me for things like joining greek life, going to a "party school" [ironically, the person who told me this couldn't get into the college], you name it. These words have stung and hurt me but nevertheless, I've found a remedy. I surround myself with people that don't make me question who I am, that don't make me apologize for being my true self.

Yes, people will judge. But it's up to us to tune out that noise and focus on the good: on our families, true friends, ourselves.

As long as we're working towards self-growth we're making healthy, positive, and productive choices. If we know what we're doing is right, it's because it is. Let's not let these people take control of our self-worth. Let's not let these noises interfere.

So if someone tells us we've changed, let's be grateful. Let's take it as an opportunity to put things into perspective, not doubt our choices. "You've changed" isn't a bad thing. It just means we're doing things differently. It means we're finally being ourselves.

HEADER PHOTO: mine, photo of a magazine cover (International Thespian Society publication).