STICKS AND STONES
At the end of my Junior year of high school I wrote a free verse poem titled "Sticks and Stones" when I was a staff writer for the school paper. The poem emphasizes the power rumors (and other aspects of a toxic social atmosphere) can have over our well-being and self-image. Here's the last stanza:
Sticks and stones may break our bones
and rumors may pierce our souls, but
lies do not define us.
Though I'm now an upcoming sophomore in college, with a lot of self-growth under her belt, I can't help but notice the valuable perspective of my 11th grade self.
When I wrote this piece, I was going through a very turbulent time of my life. I don't like to dwell on rehashing negative parts of the past, but I'm a firm believer in self-reflection and learning from mistakes.
Though not ideal, it did teach me a lesson that, unlike all the algebra formulas I memorized that year, truly stuck with me...
**Here's a quick spark notes version of my high school experience up until this point for context:
Freshman year: comfortable, small group of friends, hesitated to get involved.
Sophomore year: decided to step out of comfort zone...got involved in the performing arts department, joined clubs, met new people, made more friends.
Needless to say, at this point of my life I was a very different person than my Freshman year self. I had managed to become more involved on campus, made more friends, accomplished what I had set out to accomplish; things were going very well for me- on paper that is.
In reality, I was suffocating. I had spread myself too thin. I was stuck in a self-destructive pattern of saying yes to everything- every invitation, every favor, every extra credit assignment, every friendship.
I had worked so hard to push myself out of my comfort zone so that I never had to feel like who I had been two years ago. But even after all my efforts to be "socially strategic", I still felt like it wasn't enough.
I over-committed my time to people and things that in reality, didn't benefit me, didn't make me feel complete- didn't make me feel like myself.
The people I had tried so hard to please were two-faced; toxic. Whenever I shared a personal issue with them in search of support, I didn't feel heard. They treated everything like a spectacle- another hot piece of gossip to add to their list.
The things I had tried so hard to excel in made me paranoid, competitive, scared. Even though I was passionate about them, they gave me a "no matter what it takes" mentality and became a priority over my grades, loved ones, and self.
I allowed them to determine my self-worth, my creativity, my intelligence,my power.
Eventually, I realized I wasn't doing things because I wanted to; I was doing things because I felt I needed to. So after delayed efforts, I freed myself of the empty friendships and put my priorities in check.
I finally let go.
Be it high school, college- any stage in our lives- there come times when we fall into self-destructive patterns. No matter how in control we are- or rather, think we are- we can still become prey to people that are toxic to our well-being.
Simply put, sh*t happens. We get too comfortable, we can be perceived as weak; we're more likely to be targeted, trampled, tarnished. Life isn't afraid to shock and surprise us. Question is: how do we survive it?
We take the antidote and cure ourselves of the poison.
We remind ourselves that we are worth more than the tears, frustrations, and self-doubts.
We forget the toxic and focus on all the good in our lives- what makes us feel important, capable, beautiful, powerful. We do more of what makes us feel like our truest, most unapologetic selves and we let go of the rest.
True, it might not (and probably won't) be easy. The thing about something toxic is it can make us feel numb. That's the poison. We become numb to the negative consequences; we don't feel the inhibitions, paranoia, and self-destruction seeping in.
But just because we're numb- high off of the empty promises we ingest and oblivious- it doesn't mean it's not making us sick.
At the end of the day, it's not about prevention. It's about treatment.
Life is messy; people are tricky. But just because we've had bad experiences in the past doesn't mean we should close ourselves off to new ones. Isolating ourselves- fearing the toxic is just another way of being numb.
The best treatment is taking control.
We need to pick ourselves up, step back, and let go of all the toxic- all the relationships and aspects of our lives that make us feel like secondary characters in our own narratives.
Ridding ourselves of the poison- especially if it's been in our systems for a long time, is difficult. But no matter how challenging or extensive the process is- we owe it to ourselves. It's the purest form of self-love.
It's only when we let go that we can open our arms to our true selves.
Let go to let live.
** HEADER PHOTO: Mixed-media print collage. 2015. My sketches (charcoal), Vogue Magazine clips on matte, photo paper.
** DO NOT OWN GIFS
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