WHEN WE GROW UP

When we were little, we'd be asked: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

- - Superhero, princess, doctor, teacher, ballerina, president, athlete, (in my case, fashion designer/actress/singer)- the list goes on.

We could be anything we wanted to be and more. We felt like we could conquer the world. We were [almost] fearless.

I say almost fearless because there were exceptions...

We feared the monster in our closet, the dark, the creatures under our bed, the clips of the scary movie we had seen our parents watch in the living room. But if we ever had a nightmare, we'd run to our parents bedroom, sleep in their bed, and the next morning all would be well.

As we've gotten older, we worry less about witches, creepy crawly spiders, the boogie man. We can sleep without a nightlight. We don't run to our parents and sleep in their bed in the middle of the night every time we have a scary thought. But we also develop a whole other fear, even scarier than any goblin, ghoul, or ghost could ever be: ourselves.

We're constantly on edge, terrified that we'll fail. Paranoid we'll experience humiliation, rejection, the heart-sinking feeling of being the one to mess it all up. We're so concerned with being criticized by others, we put all the pressure of the world onto ourselves- become our harshest critics. Our fear that we don't have what it takes is so great, we've convinced ourselves that existing is enough- that we don't deserve to live as our truest selves.

The worst part? We can't tell anyone about it. We don't want to let others know we're scared because then we're weak, and if we're weak, it's game over. We remind ourselves that no matter what, we mustn't be vulnerable, we mustn't be exposed.

So we refuse to admit it, to others and to ourselves. We pretend we're not afraid- that the uncertain doesn't shake us to the core. We tell ourselves we've matured, we've grown up, nothing can scare us anymore.

Our younger selves feared the dark and all the monsters and evil that lurked within it. We argue we're no longer afraid of the dark; we know there's no monster under the bed; we know aliens won't abduct us. We tell ourselves we're fearless. But when we were kids, we feared the uncertainty of the imaginary, not the uncertainty of reality.

Just because we can sit through a scary movie or go on a big rollercoaster now, doesn't mean we're fearless. In truth, we're more afraid than we've ever been. We don't want to admit it but, we're still scared of the dark and the monsters and evil that lurk within it. Except it's not the same darkness and the creatures of our old nightmares that we fear. No; this darkness is darker, deeper, real.

The monsters aren't the slimy, ten legged creatures we feared; they're our insecurities, our inhibitions, our lack of self-love. The evil isn't an evil queen, a warlock; it's our competition, our critics. The darkness? failure. We're stuck in a never-ending nightmare disguised as "growing up" and unlike our younger selves, being tucked in and told a fairy tale won't make our fears disappear.

So what is the solution? How do we wake up?

When we were little, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" was the easiest question in the world to answer. It meant endless possibilities. It meant being an astronaut one day and an artist the next.

We didn't think about the what ifs: what if I don't get into college?, what if I won't be able to get the job?, what if I can't support myself financially?; what if I'm not good enough?

We didn't need a plan B, something to fall back on- a "just in case"; our dreams were enough. We were enough.

Of course we weren't being practical; our six year old selves didn't know/think about things like credit score and annual salary. But at least we used our imaginations; we took chances; we were powerful. We weren't afraid to dream.

We respected and believed in ourselves enough to want to pursue our true ambitions. We listened to our hopes and dreams; and cared about what our hearts had to say. Most importantly, we weren't afraid. Not of ourselves, not of the uncertainty of reality. The future wasn't dark, had nothing to do with the possibility of failing. The future was bright and ours to flourish in.

Over the years we've been so brainwashed to care about what other people think, we've completely forgotten to care about what we think.

It stopped being "what do you want to be?" and became "what do you need to be?"

When was the last time we actually answered the question for ourselves?

.... Maybe that's the solution- how we wake up.

What do we want to be when we grow up?

**DO NOT OWN GIFS